Chicken SoupBelow is a never ending story. Feel free to add your own paragraph to the end.
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| This paragraph is by
Nicole |
It was a dark and stormy night...
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| This paragraph is by
kevin |
Well, not that stormy. And not really dark either since it was just after dinner.
They were all quite happy, having eaten several huge, Fred-approved burritos and consumed the last of the tequilla when there was a knock at the front door. |
| This paragraph is by
/\/\att |
Upon opening the door, we saw a young woman in a candy stripped suit singing, "I am your singing telegram!" It was then that we knew the truth: |
| This paragraph is by
brak eats conan |
I even got invited to the Oscars as Pedro Almodovar's interpreter but I got lost on Santa Monica Boulevard cause I thought Monica would be home but she wasn't so I was late and I heard later that no one understood what Pedro was saying when he won the Oscar for "All About My Mother." |
| This paragraph is by
soup geek #2 |
Just then, the acid wore off. |
| This paragraph is by
zoe |
Damnit Bob, I exclaimed, those flashbacks are getting a little wierd. What the hell will it be next? Flaming purple dinosaurs?
"Well", Bob answered, "it could be worse, you could be seeing your grandparents doing in doggy style on the loading dock."
Oh, I said, I guess you're right. Anyway... |
| This paragraph is by
Ron |
I put the electric smoking penguin back down on the dinner table. Suddenly, the door burst open. In the doorway stood Yanni and Zamfir, the one and only true master of the pan flute, and they were filled with the rightous anger of ten thousand crazed Sweedish soccer fans. Death rays flashed from their eyes, vaporizing every last vestige of my collection of G.G. Allin CDs. |
| This paragraph is by
Nicole |
Attempting nonchalance, I asked them: |
| This paragraph is by
Marc |
Would you have any Grey Poupon? |
| This paragraph is by
the juliest person you know |
No, I said. But, I do have some cheap yellow mustard. I think it's French's. It's good on hot dogs. |
| This paragraph is by
geek #2 |
"Do you know what they put in hot dogs? RAT TURDS! That's what they put in hot dogs. And the grind them up so you can't even tell they're there."
Ordinarily, I would have expected this to turn Yanni and Zamfir into pillars of stone, but this time, the rant didn't work as planned. In fact, you could say that it backfired because they actually turned into |
| This paragraph is by
Ron |
a pair of enormous, gold-plated martini shakers. They were filled with |
| This paragraph is by
/\/\att |
Liquid detergent! (turning to the camera) You know, when I get those tough grass stains, I turn to Sun with bleach. Hey parents, are mutant transsexual nazi Eskimos keeping you from getting your whitest whites? Then look no further! New Sun with bleach is guaranteed to clean AND disinfect. In fact, it can even be used on your skin! Go ahead, rub some on and feel refreshed as it removes the top 9 layers of skin. You'll feel safe knowing |
| This paragraph is by
bigmonkey |
my boobs are a little big. However, I am a quiet, average girl besides. It helps to hide the truth.
I have an important secret and it's not exactly easy to hide.
http://www.sweetkiss.net/~jargon/yuaoki/mayumi1_E.html
I have a penis, and it's huge, I mean really huge. A senior in our team says that it might be the largest in the world. |
| This paragraph is by
Ron |
Hey, watch where you point that thing! You almost poked out my eye! |
| This paragraph is by
Nicole |
Comment from mom: This isn't a contest to see who can write the most bizarre paragraph, it's supposed to be a story. With, like, a point. |
| This paragraph is by
/\/\att |
SO, there I was. I had a bottle of whiskey in my left hand and spatchula in my right hand. Just then, someone from across the room yells |
| This paragraph is by
the juliest person you know |
FIRE!!!! Get the fire extinguisher! My bra is burning! So are the condoms! Unfortunately, the fire extinguisher was empty, and when Dick and Jane fucked that night, Jane got pregnant. When the baby was born, he did not have any ears, so they named him Kevinsean. He got teased a lot in school. But then a team of doctors were able to |
| This paragraph is by
Ron |
surgically attach buzzard wings to where his ears ought to be. The baby was able to fly long before he learned to walk. It only became a problem when the feathers would moult and the other kids in the school would make fun of him. But he would soon have his revenge. Oh yes, revenge would soon be at hand. The day he turned 18, kevinsean took his trusty katana sword and |
| This paragraph is by
The Other Kevin |
proceeded to slice open all the tequila bottles in sight. Tequila flowed so freely that there was a huge tidal wave that engulfed the school. Just as everyone was being swept out of the school, the ground began to tremble with such force that the school was split in two. A huge crevasse deeper than the ocean opened up and |
| This paragraph is by
Ron |
then I woke up. My God, that was some dream. I've never experienced something so florid and outlandish. I sat up and swept away the bedcovers. With relief, I saw that everything was the same as I left it last night, and that I was still intact.
Getting up, I paced across the bedroom to the window overlooking the street below. I thrush open the window and looked outside to discover that |
| This paragraph is by
zoe |
The young pink stripped telegram singer was still on my doorstep. Now, ordinarily this would be ok 'cause she was kinda cute in a preppy sorta way. However, any cutenss was mitigated by the fact that she had brought camping supplies and spent the night. What the hell? And then I remembered: in the singing telegram adds they *guarantee* that he telegram will be heard within 24 hrs or your money back. Glancing at my watch I realized that she only had a couple more hours until her time was up, and she seemed like a nice kid, so I figured I might as well go out and hear what she had to say. |
| This paragraph is by
/\/\att |
She said "*ahem* *singing* Happy belated birthday to you! Happy belated birthday to you! Happy belated birthday my child, happy belated birthday to you!" She then pulled out a card and said "This was sent from your mother: Dear Child of Mine, Where the hell have you been? You never call me anymore! Have you payed off your student loans yet? Your father and I are very worried. You ought to wear that sweater that I sent or else you'll get a chill. Why don't you call us sometime. Oh, you remember Beth from next door? Well her husband got a flu and they had to take him to the hospital! Very strange indeed. I think it was the fish she had made the night before. I didn;t have any though, I had the stew. Anyway, why don't you come by for Christmas and we'll get your Aunt to make her favorite pie! Love ya!" Then the telegram girl stuck out her hand, waiting for a tip, but instead |
| This paragraph is by
leila |
I was so anguished by the multitude of messages from my mother that I thought she must be devilspawn. And that is linked to the truth I've been afraid to face. My mother has been trying to convert me for so long now (I know the pie would do me in), I just need to |
| This paragraph is by
Ron |
strap on my gunbelt, put on my Stetson, and saddle up to head over to my Mom's house. Along the way, I ran into my buds Steve McQueen and Charles Bronson. "Shit, sounds pretty rightous to me," Bronson said with a glint in his eye as I rode on ahead to see if my Mom was home.
I pulled out my shootin' iron and knocked on her door. Bronson and McQueen stood a few feet back, weapons drawn. Then my Mom opened the door. "Would you like some pie?" she asked. |
| This paragraph is by
nicole |
I threw the young pink stripped telegram singer into the room. (The young pink stripped telegram singer had been following me in order to get her tip.) |
| This paragraph is by
the juliest person you know |
"Oh, my goodness," my mother said. "I had hoped that you would never learn the truth. You see, this lovely pink-clad girl and you were switched at birth. You are not my daughter, and she is."
I gasped. "Does this mean you are going to leave me out of your will? I'd hate to miss out on your collection of Norman Rockwell plates."
"Oh, no, dear," my former mother said. "I'll still love you as though you were my own. I did raise you through your hellish teen years, after all."
Then the stripper wanted to know |
| This paragraph is by
The Other Kevin |
"I want my two dollars!" As she advanced on me, I turned and ran. Her rush caught McQueen and Bronson by surprise, and she bowled them over. "I want my two dollars!" she screamed. |
| This paragraph is by
/\/\att |
I said, "Whoa there lil nelly! Your tip just aint right without a lil kiss first. Whatta say?" |
| This paragraph is by
Nicole |
McQueen and Bronson step in and grab the poor young pink stripped telegram singer and drag her off, mentioning something about a love child and a movie deal. She says "Screw you and your lame ass tip!" and walks off with them. Leaving me alone with Mother. |
| This paragraph is by
Michelle |
"Look at you!" Mother exclaimed, stepping forward to straighten my collar and attempt to brush the wrinkles out of my shirt, "Did you sleep in your clothes?"
"Well," I started to explain, but it was too late, she was already in full swing. |
| This paragraph is by
the juliest person you know |
"Sorry, Mom. I don't know how my clothes got all rumpled. I mean, it was just a dream. Are you really my mother?" |
| This paragraph is by
The Other Kevin |
"What? Don't you recognize your own Mother? Oh of all the injustices of the world! I come all the way down here from Brooklyn, and this is how you reward me? I raised you from when you were but a babe! If you're not mine in body, you're mine in Soul, and I'm here to collect |
| This paragraph is by
zoe |
the back interest on those orthodontist payments. you have such pretty pearly white stright teeth and you OWE me for that! It'll be $5497.43, please. And make it snappy or those Norman rockwell plates are going to my chihuahua, bitsy. She always has had a special fancy for htem, because |
| This paragraph is by
nicole |
-" "WhatEVER, Mom. She likes the plates because you feed her off them, not because she has any class. Keep the damn plates. But you aren't getting my soul!!" I said as I karate |
| This paragraph is by
The Other Kevin |
backflipped through the door letting it slam shut with a satisfying *clunk* and *click* as the deadbolt slid home. I turned my back on the door and started down the street towards the nearest grocery store. I came to Mom's on an empty stomach, and the rumbling was starting to sound louder than the guy with the jackhammer. I walked into the store, turned down the breakfast food aisle when I saw |